The.Why.Clef

So it occurs to me that part of the beauty of tumblr for me is the fact that no one I know is watching…well, two people are. You two people are also probably two of the most significant people in my life right now, which at least one of you will probably think crazy but is true. You two have given me hope, strength, and laughter when I have needed it the most and I truly hope you are in my life for the rest of it. I hope we keep getting closer too, my heart aches for both of you (in different ways) every day.

That wasn’t actually the point though.

The point is I have lost my steam this week and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it elsewhere. My life has always been a struggle, even as a child I don’t remember things ever being easy, and despite the fact that I feel like I am working so hard and I feel like I am doing all the right things the world is not giving me any breaks. I want to work and the jobs I want as well as the ones I don’t aren’t working out. I want someone to share my life with on an intimate level but the one I really want may never turn her eyes on me again in that regard…that one is really my fault though. And no it is not my ex girlfriend. She knows who she is and knows how I feel. I am just thankful every day that we are friends again even if we haven’t properly hung out. She is…yeah she is just great and I don’t really talk about it with anyone. I want to write and be creative, but it is barely coming on its own and I am not good at forcing it.

Mostly I just need to find my strength, which I am having a hard time keeping a grip on the few times I have touched it again the past few days. Pep talks are not helping because I am always giving them to myself, that is how I survive and how I have always survived. I need the universe to throw me a bone here, so c’mon…let’s do this thing.

Thanks for listening.