Why is it that the people who could easily see me and/or be there for me don’t really seem interested in trying that hard to do so, while the people who seem genuinely interested in actually being in my life can’t? I feel like I get so much fucking talk and no action when there actually could be some. I am such a good friend they say. So happy to know you or have you in my life they say. Love hanging out with you they say. But I am not worth making plans with apparently, just making plans to make plans with. Sometimes if I fight hard enough something happens, but why doesn’t anyone fight for my company? For all the praise I get, I get no effort. And are the other people just full of boast too? Would their money dribble from their chins and not stay in their cheeks if I was nearer, like the rest? And what about the ones close by, am I that much of a leper that even me fighting and fighting to make real and true plans isn’t enough to make it actually happen? Others get their time with you, but what of Justin? What is wrong with me or what am I doing wrong? Why does it fall to me, and still fall apart even when I make all of the effort? They all call me important, but I don’t feel more important than to call upon for words. I know they are the thing I am best at but I am so much more than just words. Why is that all I get from everyone? Why is it that I feel it would hurt so many so deep to see me go, yet no one seems that concerned in having me stay? What lesson is there in just aching for the people I care for and getting naught but scraps in return?
If I can be honest, all I want to do is kill myself every day because I feel so alone and I am struggling so hard and failing so hard and I feel like no one will help me or really even talk to me for more then a sentance or two most of the time. I thought it was just my pride getting in the way, so I have thrown that out and have asked for help. It doesn’t come. I practically beg and it doesn’t come. These people who I matter to and can help me, don’t. I would and have gone so far out of my way for so many people because I care for them…why don’t I get that back? And no I didn’t do those things expecting anything in return. I did it out of love. So in turn this is making me feel unloved, or at least not as cared for as I thought.
I am not worth going 15 minutes out of your way for to give me a lousy ten bucks which is a trifle to you but gets me to work so I might actually someday get out of this hole. You don’t even try to get it to me another day, and despite days of me asking you for it every day and you not even offering to make time for it I have given up.
I am not worth the 30 minutes it would take you to Western Union me some money after I told you I was literally out of it, weeks later I still need it and you don’t even answer my texts. You said it would be no problem. You offered it and offered it even at the beginning when I said I didn’t want to have to. You insisted you could do it for me. You said you would get it to me days ago. You of all people know what I am going through and yet I still do not rank very high on the to do list.
I am not worth contacting the day before tentative plans to hang out. Like you said we would. Like you said that you missed me. I miss you. I just want to see you. You see other people, why not me? Why say these things if you aren’t going to follow through? Why do so many people say the same fucking thing, but then act in similar ways? What is it about me? I just want to know so I can change it, or not of I don’t want to but at least let me understand.
All I want to do is kill myself. But I never will because I can’t bear the thought of hurting these people I love so much. Yeah, I am just a side character in everyone else’s lives, but I can’t make any of you or them live with that. I am not weak enough to break your hearts on purpose. The gods know I wish I was, every day, but I won’t do the dasteredly deed. I am just not a selfish boy who would turn the lights out and stain everyone else’s with my blood instead. I will keep suffering and trying to make my life better. Maybe even someday this nigh 28 year shit storm that has been my life will become sunny and all the effort I put into it will make me soar instead of just barely being enough to keep my head above water. Maybe I won’t be bitter that I have let my body and health go to shit. Maybe I will be able to repay the debts I have towards the people who have helped me. Maybe I will get you on the same page and we will fall in love with each other like my mind am heart wants despite me trying to put those thoughts on the proverbial shelf. Maybe people will actually try to hang out with me instead of just saying they want to and leaving it at that. It keeps breaking my heart. I just want a day where my heart doesn’t break, maybe even one where it dances or sings instead.
Hell at this point I will even settle for a day where I stop coughing.